Monday, July 23, 2012

Tommy Revolutionizes the Olympics

Let it be known that I am not on the US Olympic committee: but I sure as hell should be. After doing quasi-meticulous wikipediaing (I checked three different entries to provide the facts of this post) and following team USA basketball religiously since I wrote an essay in first grade about the original Dream Team (which would, btw, beat the current iteration by about 15) I feel that I am more than qualified to offer the following proposal:


I don’t know anything about handball except that you or one of your…6ish? Teammates try to throw a ball into the opposing team's goal. I mean no disrespect to current American handballers (is that what you call them?), but our great nation would be well served to start sending college kids to compete in basketball (if for no other reason than to create a situation where the NCAA isn’t the only organization exploiting college athletes) and let the more athletic pros compete in handball against what I can only assume are smaller, less athletic foreign handball players. This is an event in which, according to Wikipedia, the United States has never won gold at the summer olympics. NBA players would put on an entertaining, and dare I say DOMINATING show.

But that’s not the end of my proposal. It would be fun to watch a bunch of professional NBA players play handball but…

What if…

Other sports.

Recruit NFL players. Recruit a hockey or soccer goalie (or even keep the current handball goalie – I guess it would help to have someone on the team who knows how to play the game). Recruit MLB pitchers who can throw a ball 100 miles per hour and outfielders who can throw someone out at home from 275 feet.

Imagine: Lebron James hands the handball off to Adrian Peterson who jukes by an overmatched Croatian and chucks the handball back to Cam Newton who fakes to Roy Halladay (who is hanging out near the opposing goal because US pitchers will be allowed to cherry-pick) before rifling a cross-court pass to Rob Gronwkowski who GRONKSLAMS the ball through the opposing goalie’s sternum.

Or…Ray Rice tosses the ball to RGIII who is sprinting down the sideline (are you allowed to do that?). RGIII hands off to Kobe who fades back then tosses it into the parking lot to Josh Hamilton who rifles a goal in from 500 feet away – A NEW OLYMPIC RECORD!!!

There’s no end to the possibilities.

Olympic Committee: Add me or make this happen. Or both.


Thanks for reading.