Monday, August 15, 2011

A Third Tale of Three Tommys

First: ^click the Follow Button to observe my twitterings
Second: Read The First Part of this conversation <here>
Third: Read The Second Part of this conversation <here>

Having recently moved into a new apartment, the Tommys once again assemble to discuss their new living situation.

Florida Tommy (FLT): This apartment is fantastic! SO much room for activities!
American Tommy (AmT): Football’s back.
French Tommy (FrT): Yes, your team just tied Mexico.
AmT: Wrong football, Garcon.
FrT: Well you should be studying your French anyway.
FLT: No Joke, need to take that test soon, also wouldn’t be a terrible idea to brush up on Middle Eastern Studies, Ethics, and 20th Century Christian History.
AmT: Football. Is. Back. On. T. V.
FrT: You’ve found time to lift weights, you can find time to review and relearn the last four years of higher education that you forgot while busing tables at the golf club.
AmT: a.)I’ve barely worked out – the FSU student gym is closed for a couple weeks and the apartment workout room doesn’t have very heavy weights – dumbbells only go up to 40 and I need my hundoz brah! b.) I’ve gotta figure out a strategy for upcoming fantasy football drafts.
FLT: Was that plural? As in more than one fantasy football league? You don’t have time for that.
AmT: We are an excellent multi-tasker.
FrT: He’s not wrong.
AmT: Plus I’ll spend most of my time typing up notes on my laptop and reading articles online, what do you care if I have a Mozilla window minimized with some fantasy football related information in it? Frenchy did it with the NCAA tournament a couple years ago.
FLT: Fair enough, but if it gets to be too much you have to ignore Creasman’s league first, then Bob's VCU Biostat Friends, then the Mercke League if it gets to be way too much.
AmT: Baloney, I’m not losing to the Paris Hilton of Sausage again, I need to beat Tobias and Mercer, and Team T and A has a championship to defend.
FrT: Paris?
AmT: Long story, mon ami – oh, you’d be proud: I had cheese on a baguette before dinner the other night.
FrT: Oui? A sweet Brie, perhaps? A Camembert?
AmT: It was this cheese at a local hippie market that’s made with mustard and beer – so good.
FrT: That doesn’t count.
FLT: It was pretty good.
AmT: How you like them pommes, FarT?
FLT: The cheese was good, but you really should be studying.
AmT: I got a rewards card for the local liquor store.
FrT: That isn’t studying, either.
AmT: I bought “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Ethics.”
FLT: Did you read it?
AmT: Working on it.
FrT: You are getting a PhD in ethics and your prep is reading a guide for idiots?
AmT: Well, kind of. I’m also brushing up on Egyptian political situations and American Religious history…
FLT: Don’t flunk out, I don’t want to move back to Georgia.
FrT: And I don’t want to bus tables anymore.
AmT: I’m not gonna hold you guys back that much, but you gotta leave room for me to beat the Paris Hilton of Sausage in fantasy football, maintain Abbey and my Mercke Football League Championship, eat cheese made with beer, lift weights, and go to the liquor store.
FLT: Not unless you agree to get along with French Tommy. He’s more studious than you, graduated from AUP with a very high GPA, and can help you focus your intellectual energies into more than just fantasy football.
AmT: I know, I already paid homage to him in my home office.
FrT: All you did was hang up pictures of Les Bleus’ catastrophe in the last world cup
AmT: I know! That was hilarious, the team imploded, the coach got fired – one of my better memories from the year in France was sitting by the Eiffel Tower watching the Coupe du Monde while hearing all the French people lament their teams pitiful showing. If only I had a framed picture of Zizu’s tete-butt.
FLT: Well…fair enough, that was amusing.
FrT: You are both from a country where Michelle Bachman is considered a frontrunner to challenge Barack Obama for the presidency.
[Florida and American Tommy hang their heads]
FrT: What, no witty retort? In that case, at least finish your idiot book before you do any fantasy footballing.
FLT: That’s not a bad idea.
AmT: Shut up, I get cable now and I’m going to use it to watch Sportscenter.
FLT: Fine…but School’s starting soon and I’m not going back to the golf club.
AmT: Well then shut up and let me read.
FrT: Don’t screw this up.
AmT: Shut up.
FLT: Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

11 Tallahasseean Thoughts

I have yet to indulge in any macro-blogging since my arrival in Tallahassee. I use the term macro because, as the “Follow” button above suggests I have begun to micro-blog a bit on Twitter – nothing too exciting but it has been keeping me amused (despite the fact that @757Shah obstinately refuses to let me view his updates). All that being said, I guess there are some things worth noting without being limited to 140 characters.

1) I hope to never have to drive a truck again. We rented a 24 foot moving truck from budget which, plus the cab, was about 30 feet long and tall enough to nearly annihilate the electric and phone cords running to our former apartment. By the end of our trip I was able to maneuver this leviathan quite deftly, but have a new respect for truck drivers. I just hope never to become one again.

2) Speaking of which, professional movers have also earned my respect as moving is hot and makes you quite sore. Additionally, whether those who are relocating admit it or not they are quite stressed and it doesn’t seem farfetched that they may take this out on the anonymous burly movers assisting them. I have much respect for professional movers. I just don’t particularly wish to join their ranks.

3) Abbey and I have acquired many gnomes in our 5+ years of marriage. Despite their knick-knacky clutterish nature they still make me giggle. It seems like every other box we opened had some kind of gnome tucked in a corner. I bet this is exactly the effect that a young Abbey may have dreamed her future husband would have on her life.

4) Going two years without much technology has proved to be a wise decision as the current “basic” cable option was formerly the “out-of-our-price-range” option the last time we had cable. This gives me the sense that I am moving up in the world when, in reality, technology has just passed me by at such a rapid pace that I am like a basset hound excited to receive a half-eaten baguette from the dinner table – even technology’s scraps are like a sweet buttery baguette to me.

5) Speaking of baguettes, some guy is inventing a baguette machine.
I would like one in our living room.

6) If you don’t like Wal-Mart or Publix don’t move to Tallahassee.

7) Riding a bike is an enjoyable pastime – especially laps around the two-mile loop at the lake near our apartment complex.

8) Many experts are predicting an FSU v. VT ACC Championship game. Should this occur it may prove to be quite the litmus test to whether I will remain faithful to VT – where my mother-in-law, father-in-law, grandfather, and wife all went to school – or carve out my own niche as that annoying relative (who’s really only related by marriage) who cheers for a team he’s never particularly liked just because they are his new alma mater. Pre-season prediction is that the latter will prove true, but time will tell.

9) I feel like a couple of these should have been tweets because they are quite short.

10) I am currently reading two books about terrorism: Terror in the Mind of God by Mark Jurgensmeyer and Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. Both are interesting and mildly depressing while Infinite Jest has the added bonus of being absolutely hilarious. Funniest book I’ve read since Zaat by Sonallah Ibrahim (Which I highly recommend for anyone remotely interested in contemporary Egypt who enjoys dark humor).

11) When sharing an apartment it is quite helpful and nice to have one lavatory per occupant. It’s been two years since this was the case for Abbey and I and it makes a world of difference.

That’s all for now. Our move went swimmingly thanks to help from friends and we are slowly but surely figuring our way around Tallahassee. We both have FL driver’s licenses now and I even have an FSU student ID card. We still have about two weeks before Orientation and classes start, but we are certainly feeling like we are in the final stages of the transition. If you would like to keep up with my activities between blog posts, feel free to click the “follow” button at the top of this page. Otherwise, as always, thanks for reading.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

My Day in Court

UPDATE The following list of activities has resulted in my saving several hundred dollars on student fees this year as well as adding to my income the possibility of summer funding. SUCCESS!

Here is what happened when I attempted to complete the seemingly simple process of having a judge sign a sheet of paper that says I’ve lived in Georgia for one consecutive year:

9:55AM – arrive and deposit all my change into the parking meter in exchange for the legal right to occupy that space for one hour.

Enter courthouse.

Wait in security line.

Pass through metal detector, lift pant legs to show absence of shoe bombs. Proceed.

Go up wrong elevator in wrong tower to wrong floor 6.

Switch towers.

Go up two flights to correct floor 6 and ask nice lady at desk where I go to get my paper signed.

Am told that someone will be with me shortly.

Gentleman enters lobby.

Gentleman tells me that I must get one section notarized before a judge will sign. Notary Public in basement of this tower.

Descend to basement.

Pass sign that says “Snack Bar/Marriage and Gun licenses.”


Walk down hall.

Arrive in Sherriff’s office processing room.

Am told by an armed officer that I walked past the Notary Public Office.

Am led by said officer to the door marked “Notary Public” that I had walked past several seconds earlier.

Enter Notary Public’s office.

Present form.

Am told that there is a 2 dollar cash only exact change fee.

Leave Notary Public’s office to go find money, hopefully in my car.

Get lost attempting to exit building.

Get directions.

Take elevator to floor one where exit is located.

Powerwalk to the car.

Find one dollar in car.

Check Meter: 35 minutes remaining.

Walk Briskly down the street to CVS.

Buy pack of cinnamon chewing gum with debit card and request 5 dollars cash back in ones.

Walk briskly back to Courthouse.

Enter courthouse.

Wait in security line.

Pass through metal detector, lift pant legs to show absence of shoe bombs. Proceed.

Return to Notary Public’s office.

Have form notarized.

Pay two dollars.

Back to floor 6.

Receptionist picks up phone and says “The young man is back.”

Wait 7 minutes.

Gentleman emerges, takes my ID and forms and says the judge will be with me shortly.

I ask if wait will be longer than 15 minutes.

Gentleman goes through a door.

Wait 6 Minutes.

Gentleman reemerges. Instructs me to feed my meter, return to floor six, and sit in waiting area.

I notice I have no change for meter, only ones.

Descend elevator to Floor One.

Exit courthouse.

See sign on a shop across the street that says “Money Orders.”

Enter shop with “Money Orders” sign.

Man at counter says “Money Order?”

I respond “Can you change a dollar for my parking meter.”

Man says “Yes.”

Man hands me a dollar coin, assures me machine will take it.

Walk briskly to car.

See four minutes left on meter.

Machine takes dollar coin.

Meter now reads 44 minutes.

Walk briskly back to Courthouse.

Enter courthouse.

Wait in security line.

Pass through metal detector, lift pant legs to show absence of shoe bombs. Again. Proceed. Again.

Ascend to floor six. Again.

Receptionist picks up phone and says “The young man is back.” Again.

Receptionist instructs me to wait in the waiting area.

Text Abbey that this is getting ridiculous.

Wait 24 minutes.

Realize that there are 11 minutes left on my parking meter.

Bailiff comes in hallway and instructs me to enter.

Watch the end of a bond hearing for 4 minutes.

Am called by the judge to approach the podium.

Am asked why I need proof of residency.

Explain to judge the Southern Regional Educational Board’s Academic Common Market program.

Attempt not to look at my watch.

Am asked what program I will be enrolled in.

Answer the judge.

Attempt not to look at my watch.

Am asked if Candler School of Theology has that program.

Answer the judge that this consortium is state schools only and Emory is private.

Attempt not to look at my watch.

Am asked if Emory University’s religion department has this program.

Answer the judge that this consortium is state schools only and Emory is private.

Attempt not to look at my watch.

Am asked when this program starts.

Answer the judge.

Attempt not to look at my watch.

Am congratulated by the Judge.

Judge signs form.

Bailiff brings me form.

I thank Judge.

Walk briskly out of courtroom.

Run to elevator.

Enter elevator.

Elevator stops at floor 5.

Three people enter elevator.

They push buttons 4, 3, and 2.

Exit Floor One.

Walk briskly to exit.

Walk briskly towards parking lot.

Notice two parking attendants in parking lot.

Begin running.

Arrive at car and see 1 minute left on meter.


Thanks for reading.

Monday, August 1, 2011

A Tale of Three Tommys

After their last exchange left Florida Tommy attempting to find common ground between French Tommy and American Tommy, American Tommy has presented French Tommy with another picture of American Tommy trying on French Tommy’s clothes that no longer fit as well. This picture prompted the following conversation.

[Picture deleted due to common decency violation]

French Tommy (FrT): I see you’ve not only given in to the American insistence that baseball caps are socially acceptable but are also embracing the fairly recent skinnyjean phenomenon
American Tommy (AmT): Look again Francois – these jeans used to fit you great.
FrT: For the love of God do not put that picture on the internet.

[Picture once again deleted for aforementioned violation of common decency]

AmT: What’s wrong Toulouse? Offended by your own ill-fitting apparel? You’re lucky I’m not demonstrating the less-than-sterling fit of the square foot of cheap fabric and elastic you French folk call “boxer shorts”
FrT: Inappropriate.
Florida Tommy: Would you two quit it? We move on Wednesday. I am exercising veto power on the picture of the tight jeans, btw…why would you strike that pose in the first place?
AmT: I was mocking Zinedine over there.
FrT: Go eat a cheeseburger you arrogant twit.
AmT: Shove some foie gras up…
FLT: You two are more juvenile and petty than the US Congress.
AmT: They aren’t being juvenile and petty, as a Moderate I fully appreciate that compromise takes time.
FrT: They are compromising…yeah, and Dominique Strauss-Kahn is a gentleman.
FLT: Common ground! You both find joy in the mocking of your homelands!
FrT: Isn’t your state of Florida the one with that Qur’an burning man?
AmT: Yeah! The guy with the moustache!
FrT: Mon Dieu…
FLT: Can we focus on getting along?
AmT: Remember Hanging Chads? They were in Florida too!
FrT: HaHa! Florida officials don’t know how to count ballots!
FLT: That joke was so 2000.
FrT: And ze giant Mickey Mouse Land!
AmT: Hahaha
FLT: There’s a Disneyland in Paris too, Pepe Lepieu.
AmT: Yes! Now you’re stooping to our level, way to be the voice of reason, why don’t you take your talents to south beach and lose an NBA title.
FLT: Speaking of sports, how are the Atlanta Thrashers doing?
FrT: What is a Thrasher?
AmT: Exactly, even French people think Hockey is a dumb sport.
FrT: What is the Hockey?
AmT: It’s like soccer but lower scoring, on ice, and only Russians and Canadians play it.
FLT: Sorry I brought it up. Is there any chance of you two not making fun of me or the great state of Florida anymore?
FrT: The Great State of Florida is phallic.
AmT: Pfffahahaha!
FLT: Inappropriate!
[American Tommy wipes tears of laughter from his eyes and high fives French Tommy]
FLT: You two need to be punished. I’m signing you up for twitter.
FrT: What is a twitter?
AmT: I’m already on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google+, and I have a blog.
FrT: We have a blog.
AmT: Fine, our blog, I…we…don’t need another social media outlet in which to indulge.
FLT: You’re signed up.
AmT: We aren’t friends anymore.
FLT: Want to hashtag that? It may trend.
FrT: I am confused.
AmT: I’m not happy about this.
FLT: What’s wrong @tjcTBA? [shameless plug to follow Tommy on twitter]
AmT: That’s not even original, just my initials and my blog name.
FrT: Our blog name.
AmT: Oh…wait… so I can follow @ericcreasman on this thing? Can’t be all bad, this might actually be kind of fun.
FLT: This is a punishment you Georgia weightlifting hillbilly!
FrT: I don’t understand it.
AmT: Even better.
FLT: You two are hopeless.
AmT: There’s three of us now, Mr. Seminole.
FrT: Why do so many of your sports teams poke fun at Native Americans?
FLT: Spectacular.
AmT: Hahaha, Frenchie’s getting funnier by the minute, I’m going to the gym.
FLT: Meathead.
FrT: Muscleneck.
AmT: Go tweet yourselves.
FLT: That doesn’t even make sense.
AmT: Nice mediation job – better luck next time.
FrT: Merci d’avoir lu.
FLT: Thanks for reading.
FrT: I just said that…you’re going to fail your French test.