While shoveling my driveway after the latest snowstorm, I wondered how each 2016 presidential candidate would approach the job. The following are my predictions:
Sanders – Would hire seven qualified federal employees to shovel all of the snow into the street, at which point state-employed snow plow operators would plow the snow into my neighbor’s yard. He would insist that my neighbor should help me pay for these services as my neighbor will be using the roads as well. As he left, he would toss a basketball over his shoulder from 25 feet away and, as it goes through the basket over my garage, he would say, “you’re welcome.”
Trump – Would tout his lawn-mowing skills and insist that there was not that much difference between lawn-mowing and driveway-shoveling. Would vow to make my driveway great again. Would repeatedly refer to my neighbor as a [expletive deleted].
Clinton – Wouldn’t respond to my emails. When my neighbor finds out I was thinking about hiring her, he would saunter over in his short shorts, backwards hat, aviator style sunglasses, with a tank top on that had a scantily-clad woman standing atop greek letters and tell me, “bro, she’s a total [expletive deleted]. You watched any of Bern’s speeches, bro? #FeeltheBern.” He would return home to tweet misogynistic things about our encounter.
Jeb! – Would just kind of blend into the background for a while before telling me how awesome his brother was at shoveling snow and how steady his shovel-hand would be if he were offered the job. Would insist that his experience in Florida would carry over.
Cruz – I would not allow this man near my house.
Rubio – Would do a fairly good job shoveling my driveway, but would go back and forth over who should be allowed on my property and who shouldn’t while muttering something about Obama being an evil genius over and over again.
Kasich – My neighbors from Iowa told me he wouldn’t do a very good job, but the new couple that just moved from Massachusetts highly recommend him. Not entirely sure what his strategy for paving my driveway would be because Donald Trump won’t stop making silly faces and using profanity.
Carson – Would sit quietly next to all of the other potential driveway shovelers with a blank expression on his face. I forgot that he was here.
Thanks for reading...but who should shovel my driveway?