The Pendulum

In the absence of glowing mullets and disco-ball-themed passengers, I am forced to use other coping mechanisms to retain my composure during my daily metro rides. I have previously mentioned the erratic mode of operating that seems to be the norm for metro conductors. Additionally, I have previously mentioned how…we’ll say “cozy” that metro rides can be. On a crowded metro – as in geopolitical international relations – space that one can call one’s own rates as both a highly limited and highly desirable commodity. There are many often utilized ways to procure and maintain one’s personal space on a crowded metro – smoker breath, coughing/sneezing/sniffling, body odor, creepy stares, wandering hands…you get the picture. Being a legal temporary resident of Paris with respect for my fellow Parisians as well as someone who prefers to think outside of the proverbial box I wished to secure my personal space on the Metro without resorting to any of the aforementioned means. This is why I invented and hereby copyright “the Pendulum.” Like any tactic, though, “The Pendulum (this phrase and action is protected, copyrighted, the full intellectual property of, and not to be used without expressed written permission of Tommy Carrico, Inc.) has its proper execution and its improper execution. In order to clarify, I will relay personal experiences of proper and improper execution of this brilliant, space-procuring device.


The Pendulum Proper

Necessary Tools: A somewhat weighty purse and a disregard for the comfort and temperament of passengers who may invade one’s personal bubble.

Positioning One’s Self:

- Posture One: Standing against a wall of the train (most effective) or

- Posture Two: Single-handedly grasping the vertical handlebar (in dire situations this posture will suffice)

The Act: One must hold one’s purse in front of him or her (in the case of Posture 1) or beside one’s self (in the case of Posture 2) making sure that it is not resting on the ground, but rather hanging loosely to one’s front or side. Let the laws of physics take their toll on the ankles, shins, and calves of all those around you as the erratic and sudden stops and turns of the drunk metro conductor cause one’s bag to secure at least a 6-inch perimeter around one’s stake of metro territory. One must be extra cautious in seeming oblivious to the motion of one’s purse in order to give the impression that one is but a simple-minded, careless buffoon rather than a scheming, brilliant, comfortably-not-cramped metro passenger.


The Pendulum Improper

Necessary Tools: Living Beings and a complete disregard for the safety, comfort, and well-being of said living beings

Positioning One’s Self: In positioning one’s self to execute the Pendulum Improper, one must pick up whichever live being one might wish to use in one or both hands before proceeding to mumble, curse, and swing all one’s limbs (especially those clutching the leash, neck, or limb of a living being) violently and randomly in several different directions.

The Act: Fairly self explanatory with the given posture and just as effective as Pendulum Proper in the procurement of space, though less effective in giving the impression that one is a civil human being. I have witnessed the utilization of children and dogs in the execution of Pendulum Improper. A few days ago, a rather frazzled older woman was taking her dog for a walk and, for whatever reason, they wound up on the Metro line 8. The poor, frazzled lady’s poor, frazzled dog seemed to be somewhat afraid of either boarding the metro or was familiar with the events that were about to ensue and was obstinately refusing to willingly submit to acting as this woman’s pendulum. The dog did not win this test of wills as it was swung about in the air by its leash, knocking into several passengers before landing in a purse thereby being utilized as a rare combination of The Pendulum Proper and Improper which I like to call “the-crazy-old-lady-who-should-not-be-responsible-for-the-safety-and-well-being-of-another-living-being." I’ve said this before, but being a general fan of canines, I honestly mean that I wish I was making this stuff up.

For a re-cap of the Children-Being-Used-As-A-Pendulum Episode, click here.

Thanks for reading.