A Preliminary Proposal to the Plethora of Parisian Pedestrians

My Fellow Parisian Pedestrians:

From my past experience (going on three weeks now) I feel enlightened as to the plight of your everyday existence for I, now, am one of you. We are in a hurry. We must get where we are going. We are very important people doing very important things. There are unimportant people doing unimportant things who get in our way. These miscreants have regard neither for our individual societal status nor for the importance of the myriad vital engagements we have found ourselves speed-walking towards. In a country where the revolutions have historically begun by the people for the people, I propose the following guidelines and repercussions for Parisian Pedestrians which, henceforth, I shall abide by – whether the other pedestrians appear to be les nobles ou la bourgeosie.

Guidelines:

1.) Walk on the right (droite) of the sidewalk and metro hallways.

2.) If it appears as though, should we both continue in our paths, that we shall collide, step to the right (droite), or make some effort to move towards the right (droite).

3.) Stop bringing your enormous carts/strollers to crowded markets – you are in the way and nobody appreciates it…as a matter of fact, most people are thoroughly annoyed with you

4.) Move your damn umbrella so as not to strike another pedestrian in the head (la tete)

5.) Do not stand in the middle of a small sidewalk talking on your cellular telephone oblivious to the world around you.

6.) Before walking in front of someone, please allow a proper amount of space so that there is little to no chance that you will infringe upon the path which will momentarily be occupied by the pedestrian whom you will momentarily step in front of, causing them to dart out of your way or come into contact with your person.

7.) If you are a slow walker, walk to the extreme right (droite) of whatever surface you may be walking upon.

8.) If you are a scooter on the sidewalk, you disgust me...but you win because your vehicle will do more damage to me than I to it.


Repercussions:

Should you choose to ignore Rule #1 (regarding inhabiting the right (droite) side of the sidewalk): you have forfeited your rights as a pedestrian and may be bumped into or shoved with no regard for your personal safety or belongings.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #2 (regarding moving to the right (droite) should your path collide with another pedestrian) you have also forfeited your rights as a pedestrian and may be bumped into or shoved with no regard for your personal safety or belongings by the lady/gentleman whose path you have crossed. NOTE: should the person whose path you have crossed make no effort to move, they have similarly violated rule #2 and thus forfeited their rights as a pedestrian, allowing you the opportunity to collide with/shove them with no regard for their personal safety or belongings.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #3 (regarding your enormous carts/strollers in a crowded market): Your carts may be freely bumped into/purposefully kicked – as may your stroller under the condition that it has been established to be uninhabited by an infant innocent of your stupidity.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #4 (regarding your damn umbrella): Your umbrella may be forcibly confiscated and thrown into the path of a moving vehicle.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #5 (regarding standing stagnant on a sidewalk while talking on your cell phone): You have relinquished all rights as a pedestrian and may be shoved, bumped into, glared at, or have projectiles hurled in your direction…you arrogant ninnymuggins.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #6 (regarding not allowing the proper amount of space before walking in front of someone): You relinquish the right to not have the back of your shoe stepped on causing it to come halfway off. Furthermore, you relinquish the right to not be kicked in the non-planted foot causing said foot to collide with the back of the shin of your planted foot and you to stumble forward. You arse.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #7 (regarding walking too slow): You have relinquished your right to walk at your own pace without being bumped into.

Should you choose to ignore Rule #8 (regarding riding scooters on the sidewalks): The pedestrian has no course of action to follow. However, you will be considered to be a terrible person...take that.


I deem these rules to be obscenely self-explanatory and straightforward. If anything is lost in translation, please consult my wife. If you are walking through Paris and see that I am the one who stepped on your shoe/kicked your airborne foot, I did it on purpose – you shouldn’t have walked so close in front of me. If your basket falls on its side at the market – I kicked it: next time bring a bag. If a tall, lanky American's shoulder collides with your delicate French torso, you made no effort to move; and I make no effort here to apologize. If your umbrella strikes me, you have no right to be upset when I throw it under the closest, fastest-moving, tiniest, most fuel-efficient vehicle I see.


It isn’t difficult: follow the eight aforementioned guidelines and your life as a Parisian pedestrian will be as comfortable and collision free as mine will hopefully become upon the acceptance of this proposition. Thank you for your time, and happy walking.