A Tale of Two Tommys

Once upon a time, French Tommy bought a sweater.



French Tommy liked his sweater so much. It kept him warm in the bitter Paris winter and fit his slender frame as though it were knit especially for him. He even wore it to a Thanksgiving party in Paris last year.



American Tommy then borrowed the sweater a time or two during the Georgia winter and then placed it in a plastic tub with the rest of the winter clothes that were no longer necessary in early spring. Then, re-energized with the onset of a new calendar year, American Tommy and Pastor Dan kicked their workouts up a notch or two throughout the spring and early summer months. When Pastor Dan moved from Atlanta down further south, American Tommy continued lifting for several weeks in preparation for moving all of he and Abbey’s earthly belongings to Tallahassee. When Abbey suggested using sweaters and winter clothing to wrap the more fragile of these belongings, American Tommy stumbled across French Tommy’s sweater and mockingly tried it on.



This irritated prideful French Tommy and prompted the following exchange:

French Tommy (FrT): Hey Meathead, take my sweater off you’re stretching it out.
American Tommy (AmT): No problem, slim, it’s 157 degrees in Atlanta today anyway.
FrT: Well why don’t you just run around with no shirt on and drink a protein shake you dumbbell pushing gym rat?
AmT: Why don’t you go eat a baguette and ride the metro…you…baguette eating metro rider?
FrT: You’re mad because you’d no longer comfortably fit on the metro.
AmT: We don’t use metros in America, we use cars like real, freedom loving people should.
FrT: You also are paying 40 bucks a tank to sit in one place getting frustrated while you collectively trash the o-zone.
AmT: Well…at least we love Freedom.
FrT: Well at least our government isn’t gridlocked in a giant “whose [ego] is bigger” controversy over raising an arbitrarily assigned number that has been raised roughly 100 times before and, by not raising, could have dire consequences for the global market – thanks for that.
AmT: Shutup.
FrT: No witty comeback or are you just looking at yourself in the mirror again, admiring your trapeziuses?
AmT: Nobody says trapeziuses.
FrT: Nobody here has them, how should I know?
AmT: By nobody you mean you because you are too cheap to buy a gym membership.
FrT: It was a matter of accessibility and fiscal responsibility, as well as an embarrassing inability to speak French well upon my arrival thanks to…whose fault was that again…ah yes…yours.
AmT: Speaking of which – your abbreviated name looks like fart.
FrT: Real mature.
AmT: That wasn’t my point, just something I noticed. Anyway, I need to take a French test this Fall proving that I can translate a passage of French to English, wanna help me out?
FrT: Let’s see…do it yourself sweater stretcher.
AmT: Get over it Frenchie. Have some vin rouge and calm down.
FrT: Go bench press yourself.
AmT: That doesn’t even make sense.
Floridian Tommy: Can’t we all just get along?
FrT/AmT: Who are you? And why are you so red?
FLT: It’s sunny down here and thanks to both of you, I had no basetan so now I’m sunburned. Anyway, we live in Florida now. I say ‘we’ because we are now going to be pursuing a PhD in comparative religious ethics while lifting weights and enjoying vin rouge. We all need to get along and stop stretching out each other’s clothes.
AmT: That’s kind of a one way street, there, guy.
FrT: Another witty retort, go burn some fossil fuels and pass racist legislation like Georgia’s HB 87 or Arizona’s SB1070.
AmT: Or France’s Burqa Ban. Racist Pot, this is Xenophobic Kettle, I think you two would get along grandly.
FLT: Did I mention you study religious responses to socio-political oppression and both of your academic/life experiences are going to be necessary to even think about beginning this project?
FrT: I can’t work with this fast food eating, flag waving, baseball cap wearing, smug tourist.
AmT: I don’t eat fast food or wave a flag and I’m not a tourist you cheese sniffing, pointed nosed, snooty croissant face.
FrT: Croissant face. Clever. No wonder you did so well on the GRE Verbal.
AmT: Shut up.
FrT: Another witty American retort.
FLT: You two need to figure this out sometime in the next couple weeks or we’re all going to look like buffoons. In the meantime, stop stretching clothing and making fun of your nations inadequacies – the whole world is in a less-than-favorable political and economic state at the moment so those disparaging remarks are quite useless. In the meantime, musclehead can go back to packing and carrying boxes and shelves and frenchie…don’t forget any French or anything you learned in France, we’re going to need it. Meet back in a week and we’ll try to sort out your differences.
FrT: Stop stealing my stuff.
AmT: Go ride the metro.
FLT: Stop it. Go Pack. Go study.

Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.